The Letters
by WannabeGallagher
Summary: When Cammie lost her dad no one understood how much she was suffering, no one knew about her plan to kill herself when she turned 17. But then she finds the letters; twelve letters written by her dad before he died; one to read every month. Cammie can't let him down, but it means another whole year before she can kill herself… Will a year of life change her mind about her choice?
1. Prolouge

**Right so this is just the epilogue of my new story… I was going to go through my ideas again to make sure this is the story I wanted to write… but I just had to write this one. Ally Carter owns the book obviously… BUT ALSO, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, it is LARGELY based on the book 'Undone' by Cat Clarke. And I mean LARGELY. The characters are Ally Carter's but nearly all the ideas are Cat Clarkes. I cannot stress that enough. I couldn't put the book as a crossover, however, because the book Undone isn't popular enough to have its own category! I hope you enjoy this, I loved Cat Clarke's ideas from her book Undone and so I have to convert them into a Gallagher Girls story. Enjoy!**

"Let go!" I pushed my way out of my mom's strong arms. "I said let me go!"

Tears were streaming down my face, and I could feel my mom's tears mixing with mine as she stood over me, gripping me tightly.

"Just let me explain!" My mom begged through her sobs.

"No, no I don't want to hear it, I can't hear it, don't tell me!" I shrieked.

"Cammie!" Mr Solomon's voice made my mom freeze and loosen her grip on me, enough so I could slide out of her arms. "Cammie, just sit, we need to talk properly about this!"

"What's it to do with you anyway?!" I screamed. "Aren't you meant to be his best friend, weren't you meant to have stopped him!?"

Mr Solomon froze, and I could have sworn he wiped a tear from his eye. Except, Mr Solomon does not cry.

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. This." I chocked as my mom tried to pull me back into her arms and I pushed her away again.

"Cammie, listen to me!" She pulled me around so I had no choice to look into her eyes. They matched mine, they were empty, as if her whole life had just been taken away from her, tears spilled down her perfect skin, except she was trying to wipe away her tears, an effort that I wasn't prepared to make.

"This doesn't mean he's dead Cammie, there is hope; do you hear me? As long as there is hope, I will never stop looking for him!"

I trusted every word that came out of my mom's mouth… usually. But I just couldn't right now. He was dead. I could feel it.

"I know how close you were to him…"

I would have laughed if I could. Was she joking? Me and my dad weren't close, we were inseparable. He had been the one to take me on my first mission, he had been the one to take me to the circus every year; he'd always been… there.

"You know nothing" I suddenly wasn't crying anymore, I just felt emptiness, a feeling I'd never felt before, it was almost physically painful. "You know nothing about how close we were, because you were never around!"

"I know… I know… But things will change!" She was begging with me now. "Please, you have to understand, now I have this teaching job I can see you more, we can have dinner together, talk, I'll be a proper mother!"

"I don't want a mother!" I screamed, feeling almost guilty at my mother's pained face. "I don't want you, I want my dad!"

"You can't have your dad Cammie… he's gone" Mr Solomon whispered.

I lunged towards him with the intent to kill. Mr Solomon should have been there for him, my mom should have been there for him. But then my hands fell to my sides as I realised… I should have been there for him.

I knew what I had to do.

**Review please!**


	2. Shock

**So this is the first proper chapter of my new story. Hope you enjoy it.**

I pushed my way out the door, Mr Solomon and my mom called out frantically behind me, but I ignored them.

It was lesson change over, all heads turned to me as I passed, pitying eyes met mine making me angrier, but more certain of what I was about to do.

I glanced at my reflection in the stein glass window, my hair hung limp around my face, my eyes were rimmed red and my skin looked pale and blotchy. I drew back in repulse realising how I must look to everyone else. The girl with the missing dad would be all I was known as now.

I hadn't been at the school long, only a few weeks, but so far I'd made absolutely no friends. I'd been so preoccupied with where my dad was that I'd given up even socialising or turning up for lessons. But now I knew… he was gone for good, and I knew deep down he was dead. I could just feel it.

I pushed past the stares and whispers until I reached Dr Fibb's lab. It was an eerie place, perfect for what I was going to do. I slammed the door behind me and was plunged into darkness. I knew Dr Fibbs was working in a different classroom today and I knew where he kept everything.

I rummaged around in numerous draws until I finally found the pills that I knew he kept for his bad hip. I didn't even hesitate until the pills were poured out in my hand. Water. I needed water. I looked around but I could hardly see anything.

"Screw it" I muttered as I lifted the handful of pills up to my mouth.

"Hello?" I jumped as I heard the voice, cursing as the pills fell over the floor.

I saw that the door had been opened and a slither of light had illuminated the room.

I fell to the floor and began scooping the pills back into my hand and stuffed them back into the container.

"Need a hand there?" a boy asked. I did a double take… a boy. In a school for girls.

"No" I stuttered as I placed the container on the table.

"Were you looking for something?" the boy asked, raising his eyes sceptically.

"I… Stapler" I muttered. "I was looking for the stapler"

"Right" the boy said as he flicked on the light switch. His sharp eyes caught my shaking hands hovering near the pills.

"Why are you here?" I asked, suddenly desperate to change the subject.

The boy grinned. "I've just got here, so I'm having a snoop around, lots of nice secret passageways at this school!"

I scowled at him. The secret passageways were where I'd go sometimes, by myself; I didn't need some ridiculously good looking, sarcastic boy in there with me. But then I remembered; I wouldn't be here very long anyway.

"You do know this is an all-girl's school right?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm, but the boy didn't seem to care.

"Yep, we're doing an exchange here, while everyone else is in lessons Mr Solomon said we should have a look around the mansion before we get introduced at dinner, nice place you got here" He smirked at me, which annoyed me more.

"So… why are you here?" he asked.

It was a while before I realised he'd spoken and I blinked in surprise. "Like I said, stapler"

"No… I mean, you have lessons now right? Or are you the rebel of the school?" He grinned at me.

_No, I'm the girl with the dead dad. _

"No… I just… didn't feel like going today" I sighed.

"I'm Zach, by the way" he said matter-of-factly as he came closer and I began to feel a little nervous. Suddenly he stopped and I wondered if it were my red rimmed eyes that gave him a clue why I was there.

"Hey, you're Cammie aren't you?" he asked suddenly.

I rolled my eyes. "Great, even you know who I am, and yes, I am the girl with the missing dad, by the way!" I exploded angrily.

"I only knew because your mom's headmistress…" Zach said in confusion.

I blushed deeply and turned away from him. "Oh"

"I wonder what these pills are for" Zach was watching me carefully now.

"No idea" I lied as I pushed the pills away, still eyeing them longingly.

"I'm sure the teacher shouldn't be leaving them out on the desk" He raised his eyebrows. I was sure then that he knew what I'd been about to do.

"I don't really care… Zach" I sighed in annoyance. "Look, why don't you just go"

"Because I wouldn't be a gentleman if I didn't escort you back to your room" he smiled, still watching me carefully as I eyed the pills again.

"I've been here weeks now, I know my way back to my room" I said, suddenly fascinated by the floor.

"Let me walk you back anyway" he said urgently.

I shook my head.

He leaned forward; my skin erupted in Goosebumps as he leaned towards me and whispered in my ear "I can't leave you here with a bottle of pills"

I swallowed loudly. "Fine… I'll… let you walk me to my room"

We walked back in silence; I was determined not to be the first to break it. I felt tears clouding my eyes. I should be with my dad by now… but there would be other times, I reminded myself. More opportunities.

As if Zach was reading my thoughts he suddenly turned towards me. "That's not the answer you know, it's not a way out"

I frowned, but didn't say anything, and he didn't either.

"Well… this is my room" I said eventually.

"I should walk you in" Zach said calmly.

I rolled my eyes and let him open the door for me. I was almost knocked back by the noise that came from my room… sounded like Macey was doing makeovers again.

"Well, I'll see you later" Zach held the door open for me.

I nodded.

I walked through the door, looking back before I closed it. I shivered as I realised Zach was still watching me. I shut the door.

My roommates didn't even notice me come in; they were gathered around Liz, laughing at what they'd done to her hair.

I walked silently over to my bed and sat down on it shaking. Suddenly the laughter stopped and the room was silent. I didn't hate my roommates or anything… they were just more popular than me and would rather associate themselves with people that actually socialised.

"Are you okay Cammie?" I heard a timid Liz ask. They must have heard about my dad too… well of course they would have, the whole school had.

"Of course she's not okay" I heard Macey mutter to Liz sharply.

"Cammie, are you coming to dinner?" Bex asked.

I nodded before I knew what I was doing. Dinner was the one chance I had left today to get this over with, to end it… but I couldn't fight the feeling that I wanted to see Zach again… and I hated myself for it.

I pulled myself off the bed and followed the girls to dinner. I could see my mom staring at me from the corner of my eye as I walked in, but I pointedly avoided her gaze, choosing instead to meet the gaze of hundreds of Gallagher Girls giving me pitying stares. I hadn't even bothered to look in the mirror before I'd come in so I was sure my face was still blotchy and tear-stained. I cursed myself suddenly, who cared what I looked like? I wouldn't be here soon.

I watched as my mom, shaking, took her place at the podium. She made a few announcements before she announced that boys were staying with us this year. I felt relief as suddenly all eyes lifted off of me to observe the boys that walked through the door. But I could still feel someone watching me. I turned around to try to stare the person down, but it was him. Zach was walking towards me, staring right at me. I quickly turned away, annoyed with myself for noticing. He obviously hadn't been looking at me after all, who would want to look at the girl with the missing dad? Well, except someone trying to give pity. Of course, he was just pitying me… he didn't really care.

I kept my eyes on my food for the rest of dinner, pushing it around on my plate, feeling sick every time Zach cracked a joke to the rest of the table and they exploded into flirtatious laughter.

"Oh stop it Zach!" I could hear Tina's voice, much more girly and flirtatious than the rest.

I got up to leave.

"Wait, Cameron!"

I turned warily to face Mr Solomon.

"This arrived for you" He dropped a letter into my hand. I frowned at the letter, no one ever sent me mail, and he knew it.

"I haven't opened it or anything…" Mr Solomon said, the wariness in his voice was evident. He stared at the letter for a second as if her were trying to read it through the envelope, then he turned and walked away.

I watched him go for a second and then glanced down at the letter, then let it fall from my hands, the sick feeling rising in my stomach. It was from him. It was from my dad.

**Review please!**


	3. The First Letter

_Previously:_

"_This arrived for you" He dropped a letter into my hand. I frowned at the letter, no one ever sent me mail, and he knew it._

"_I haven't opened it or anything…" Mr Solomon said, the wariness in his voice was evident. He stared at the letter for a second as if her were trying to read it through the envelope, then he turned and walked away._

_I watched him go for a second and then glanced down at the letter, then let it fall from my hands, the sick feeling rising in my stomach. It was from him. It was from my dad._

I curled up on my bed to read the letter. I recognised the writing before I'd even read the words. And when I finally did get round to reading the words that blurred with the tears in my eyes, I'd never felt more alone.

_Darling Cammie,_

_This isn't how I wanted you to find out. Well, I never wanted you to find out at all. I wrote these letters and left them with Mr Solomon before I died. I told him to only deliver these to you if the worst happened, and it did I guess. I gave Mr Solomon firm instructions that no one but you must read these letters, not even your mom. You see, your mom was looking for closure, and now with me gone, she finally has it. I know your mom Cammie, and I know that she wouldn't have wanted me to die, but she would rather me die than have me suffer, and so that's how I'm going to leave it. She has her closure, but Cammie, I know you don't. I can't deny how close we were, you were the best thing that ever happened to my life Cammie, never forget that. But all good things can come to an end if you let them, and I let you down. I know you better than I know myself Cammie, and I know you won't accept my death as closure, you will accept it as the beginning of a mission. I wish more than anything you could just let me go, but I know you won't. There are twelve letters here Cammie, one letter for every month. Mr Solomon will distribute them to you as per my orders, and I trust him with my life not to let me down, because I know you need these letters. Cammie, I want you to do exactly as I tell you, nothing more and nothing less. Because what I write next is this month's dying wish. _

_You've always had such beautiful brown eyes Cammie, so wipe away those tears and stop grieving for me, because that won't bring me back. Drop all your ideas about how to join me wherever I am right now, because it's not your time yet._

_See, that wasn't so hard, was it? My next letter may be a little trickier, so don't think I'm letting you off that easily._

_Love you always,_

_M.A.M_

_P.S. Remember when we used to play __**CATCH **__in the garden every summer?_

My breath hitched in my throat as I finished the letter, my eyes catching on the word he'd written in bold. I was a grieving daughter, but foremost I was a spy, and so I wrote down the word 'Catch', wondering if maybe it was a code… or maybe he'd just been doodling over that word at a loss of what to write… or maybe… I pinched my forearm hard, muttering to myself to get it together. I stuffed the letter in the bottom of my draw and shakily glided towards the bathroom mirror.

I stared at the girl in the mirror for a while, before realising she was me. How did my dad know that I couldn't cope with this? How did he know I would plan to kill myself? He knew me. I thought back to what he'd referred to as his 'dying wish', feeling my fingers curl against the sink in anger. It had almost sounded like a joke, as if the situation was funny.

My breathing came out in gulps as I stared into my eyes, wondering what he'd meant. Brown was a boring colour, how could anyone think my eyes were beautiful? The flecks of gold that scattered the chocolate brown colour, the long lashes that covered them… I blinked and the moment was gone. No, my eyes were brown and ugly and boring.

I wondered if he was watching me now, wondering if I was carrying out his dying wish… If he had any choice in the matter, then probably. I shivered, staring up at the ceiling as if he were maybe floating up there. I gritted my teeth and stared back at the mirror. I wiped the tears that smeared my cheeks.

A whole year before I could be with him, could I manage that? Could I really play along with his letters until the twelfth one came? I could. I could do this. It was only a year, and then it would be over, then I would be with him, and he couldn't be angry because I'd read all his stupid letters.

I bit into my lip hard, cursing as I tasted the blood that filled my mouth. I could do this.

I jumped into the shower with some kind of new found determination. I turned the heat up as high as it would go so it felt like bullets piercing my skin as the water rained down on me. I pulled the hairband out of my hair and felt the coat of hair drop to my shoulders. I ran my hands through it, grimacing as I felt the grease. No wonder everyone had been staring at me. I washed it through thoroughly with shampoo and conditioner and jumped out of the shower, wrapping a fluffy towel around me. I glared at the girl in the mirror who no longer looked like she'd just lost her dad. My skin was red raw from the burning water, but I didn't care, I felt refreshed. I dried my hair and brushed it back into a high ponytail. I changed into a clean pair of clothes and realised how nice it felt against my body that ached with the amount of sleepless nights I'd had.

I glanced in the mirror again and barely recognised myself. The shower had washed away all the blotchiness on my face, the only thing betraying me was my red, puffy eyes, but I didn't care anymore, because my dad said they were beautiful.

I curled up on my bed. My plan had been to go back to the dinner hall and show everyone that their pity wasn't needed, but I suddenly felt exhausted after all my sleepless nights, and before I knew what I was doing I was asleep with the comfort that my dad may be watching over me, and I had a little piece of him in the draw beside my bed. A little hope.

**Review please!**


	4. Anger

_Previously:_

_I curled up on my bed. My plan had been to go back to the dinner hall and show everyone that their pity wasn't needed, but I suddenly felt exhausted after all my sleepless nights, and before I knew what I was doing I was asleep with the comfort that my dad may be watching over me, and I had a little piece of him in the draw beside my bed. A little hope._

_()()()_

When I woke up, it was morning, and for a second I thought life was perfect. I leapt out of bed with more energy than I ever knew I had, ready for breakfast and then a morning of P&E. I glanced at the clock and realised I still had an hour yet, but I knew there was no chance of me falling back to sleep.

I glanced at Macey, biting my lip as I wondered if it was okay to wake her. I built up the courage and gently tapped her on her shoulder. She let out a grunt.

"Hey Macey, is it okay to borrow your jogging stuff?" I whispered in her ear.

"Whatever" I heard her mutter into the pillow. I rolled my eyes, and decided to take her answer as a yes. I felt uncomfortable in Macey's sports bra and short shorts, she was a lot taller than I was, and she used to be a lot skinnier, but now the clothes were almost too big for me! I put my insecurities aside. I had ages until anyone even woke up yet. I filled a bottle up with cold water and made my way down to the field.

I usually dreaded P&E classes, I was definitely one of the weaker ones in class if you excluded Anna who sprained a limb every class, but I felt determination seep into my bones as I geared myself up to run around the field. I didn't really know if this would help me be better in P&E class, but I was tired of always being the weak one, and if I had to stay here another year then I guessed I may as well put some effort in.

I began to run, hating every second of it at first. I felt sweat drip down my back and my breaths came out in gasps as I pushed myself to run faster and faster. It finally got to the point where I couldn't feel pain in my limbs anymore, just a satisfying burn. The air whipped around my face, cooling my crimson cheeks. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and broke into a slow jog, ready to go back to the mansion.

"I didn't know you ran" I turned sharply at the sound of the boy's voice. Zach stood grinning at me; not even hiding the fact that he was clearly checking me out.

I shifted about uncomfortably, wrapping my arms around my stomach in embarrassment, I felt like I couldn't have been more exposed right then, even if I was standing there naked. "I don't" I replied before turning my back on him.

"It looks like you were running to me, or do you just like to go out in sports bras for no reason?"

I felt the blush creep across my face and my heart thudded painfully against my chest as I turned towards his smirking face. "Do you enjoy perving on girls?" I snapped.

Zach held his hands up in surrender. "Only the fit ones"

I rolled my eyes at his cockiness, did he have no shame? He wasn't even wearing a shirt for god sakes. "I didn't know you ran either" I said, not sure what else to say.

"I don't" He smirked, throwing my own words back at me.

I was sure he was waiting for me to check out his body, and I could see from the corner of my eyes that he was toned and muscular, but I wasn't going to give in to my hormones right now, Zach was just an arrogant idiot.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, snapping me out of my trance. I blushed.

Zach's smirk returned. "Oh, so you were thinking about me then?"

"It wasn't anything good about you, so don't compliment yourself" I snapped, turning away from him again, and this time he didn't say anything to stop me. I could feel his eyes staring daggers into my back and I shivered, feeling self-conscious again.

I made my way back to my room quickly, not wanting to meet anymore sneering boys that would leer at my body.

"What the hell!?" I heard Macey exclaim as I walked in the door. She was glaring at me.

"What?" I snapped.

"Why the hell are you wearing my things?" She asked in contempt.

"You said I could!" I protested in annoyance.

"No I didn't" Macey frowned, but then her face softened, and she probably remembered who it was she was speaking to. The girl with the dead dad. I suddenly felt even angrier, I didn't want pity.

I tore her crappy clothes off me and threw them on her bed before stomping into the bathroom to take a quick shower and change into my uniform.

When I came out, the sports bra and shorts were lying on my bed. I frowned at Macey who was trying to avoid my gaze.

"Why are you such a snobby bitch?" I snapped at her. Her eyes widened in realisation as what I said sunk in.

At first I wasn't sure if she was going to answer. I wasn't sure I wanted her to answer. I had just wanted to provoke her so she would hit me, fight with me, anything to make me feel something other than this emptiness I was carrying around.

"You have no right to say that to me" She whispered harshly. I smiled in satisfaction as she moved closer to me. She grabbed my hands and pinned them behind my back before she spat "You're just a newbie here, you have no right to say that to me"

"Stupid cow" I shouted at her. "You have no right to tell me what to do either!"

Macey let go of my hands in shock and stared at me for a second I grabbed my opportunity and swung a perfect punch at her face. I had been careful not to punch her too hard, but I'd needed to provoke her, and sure enough I felt the emptiness I'd been feeling non-stop for days fade, and in its place, satisfaction. Satisfaction that I'd let my anger out.

Macey didn't pause for long, she seemed to forget I was the girl with the dead dad as she lunged at me, her punch hitting my cheek. Soon enough we were in a full-on catfight, I had Macey's hair in my hands, hearing her scream as I pulled on it. Macey was trying to punch me in the face again.

It was a shock when I felt a hand grab me around the waist and heave me up. Macey looked in shock too as she eyed the person who'd broken up our fight.

I tried to shrug out of the persons arms, but he had a firm grip on me… and a muscular arm.

I screamed as he began to drag me backwards. "What the hell are you doing?!"

I finally felt the pressure on my waist release, I was free. I noticed Macey was sitting on her bed, smiling. I wondered if she'd felt the same satisfaction when we'd thrown kicks and punches at each other.

"Come with me" Surprisingly I wasn't surprised to hear Zach voice, he was basically my stalker nowadays. For some reason, I did as he said.

He walked quickly; dragging me behind him as I frantically tried to smooth down my wild hair and ruffled uniform. We finally reached the P&E barn. "We don't have P&E for another half an hour" I frowned. But Zach just ignored me as he led me up to the second floor.

I'd never been up here before, it was dark and eerie, and that was probably why we always had P&E on the ground floor. Zach led me over to a dark corner of the P&E barn. "Hit it" He said.

I frowned, what the hell was he talking about? I began to focus on the area in front of me, and sure enough in front of me hanging from the wall was a punch bag.

"Hit it" He replied. I stared at the punch bag. It already had a ton of indentations on it, I wondered if they were courtesy of Zach. I hit it.

"That was pathetic" Zach sighed in frustration. I rolled my eyes and hit it again, a little harder.

"What are you, four?" He said sceptically.

"This is stupid" I whined. "I don't want to hit a stupid punch bag"

"You do" Zach said. And that was that. Apparently Zach knew what was best for me now. I bit down the bitter words that were longing to fly out of my mouth and attack Zach.

"Aren't you pissed off at your dad for dying?"

His words made my breath catch in my throat, and I suddenly realised it was true. I was angry at my dad for leaving me, I was angry at him for getting caught and for leaving those letters, I was angry at him for not staying with me, I was damn angry! I swung a hit at the punch bag with more force, expecting praise from Zach, but he simply yawned, obviously I still wasn't meeting his expectations.

"Aren't you pissed off with your mom for not giving you answers?" He asked. I realised I was. "Aren't you angry that everyone is pitying you?" I was. "Aren't you pissed off with all the whispering and gossiping behind your back?" I definitely was. I was furious. I was livid. "Aren't you…"

But Zach didn't need to finish. I swung at the punch bag with all my might, and it groaned under the strength of my punch, flinging backwards and hitting the wall behind with a deafeningly loud thud. I stood backwards and panted, suddenly realising I was exhausted.

My knuckles stung, and I felt Zach gently stroke circles on the back of my hand. I felt myself relax. "I've hit this bag many times before, but I've never been able to get it to hit the wall" He whispered.

I grinned in pride. I felt so much better, I felt like it had been those gossiping girls I'd hit, I'd hit my mom for not giving me the answers I wanted. I was victorious for a fraction of a second as I'd hit that punch bag.

"Maybe you should give up running and concentrate on this instead?" Zach grinned at me smugly, knowing it was his idea that I do this, thinking he'd helped me.

"No" I shook my head and Zach's face fell. "I guess I'll have to do both now, because running helps me clear my head and this…"

"Takes away all your anger" Zach smiled, and it wasn't a smirk. "I get it"

I nodded with exhaustion, suddenly noticing Zach was still holding onto my hand. I snatched my hand away and adverted my gaze. "We should go to breakfast"

Zach frowned at me, but then nodded. I knew he was confused; why I'd been letting him in and then I'd suddenly shut him out. But Zach was an idiot if he thought I'd ever let anyone get close to me again. It just brought pain. So much pain… but then I realised, it also brought a lot of happiness.

**Review please!**


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